4,583 members of the group LaCrosse "drownings"... Time To Take Action. Perhaps these people might want to first learn the correct way of writing their city's name before tackling larger (however make-believe) issues? And no, I'm not surprised at this number, what with the insane blatherings of the common folk during the council meetings aired on local television in the "Jared era." No, this is to be expected, but I am irritated by it nonetheless.

I will say that I'll eat my website if, somehow, there actually is a serial killer responsible for all of these dead folks. But really, is it that hard for people to believe that booze is the cause here? This is just another failing attempt for people to shift the blame to something else. I suppose I understand the lack of desire to admit your son was an idiot for drinking this much. In fact, I would love to see some family come out and say just that. It would be nice to see people take responsibility instead of trying to blame a fictional murderer.

And no, do not put up a fucking fence. I expect my parks to be untarnished when I return to La Crosse.

Here are some suggestions for how to not die while drinking in La Crosse:
1. Drink less (WOW, novel idea!)
2. Bring good friends with you to dissuade you from swimming.
3. Don't be a fucking moron.

Number 2 is very important. Just think, without Ed along with me during my 21st birthday, I would have taken a dump in some random driveway, and I possibly would have fallen asleep in some weeds somewhere. But you know, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gone into the river. Why? Because even when I'm so drunk I black out, jumping into a fast moving and extremely cold river is not something that crosses my mind.

I guess I'm just not retarded.

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1-4. But I'm still gunning for a 9-7 season. :D

In other news, I added a load of links to the menu over there on the left. I figured if people are like me, they are too lazy to click the Linkage button. So I destroyed it violently, and added simple links to the left that you can access with little effort. All because I like you people.

In other, other news, there is a UWL CS LAN Party going down on November 4th. I made a handy website for it (CS LAN Website) that you can check out and tell your friends about. One easy location for all the details, with links to forum threads for discussions of the details and whatnot. So go there, tell your friends, and help us throw a kickass LAN party.

And finally, the hosting switch has come and gone without too many problems. All the databases have been moved over, so everything with this main site and the forums should be working as they did before. Woohoo! Thanks to the Atheist, I now have some shell/ssh skills that are neat, which made the whole moving process a lot easier than it could have been.

So go, browse, laugh, cry, handimate, talk to your friends on the cell while pooping, move to Mexico for 6 months, steal organs, and so on. That's what we like to do here.

Comments (7) | Views: 136

Things Every Man Should Do Before He Dies

Own a Wookie
Han Solo was the coolest guy in the Star Wars universe. Why? Because Darth Vader didn't have a Wookie. Chewbacca could make Toby McGuire look like a real man. Alternatively; buy a big, mangy, hairy dog and dress him up with an ammo strap and blaster gun.

Save a hot chick from certain death
Every man needs a story like this to tell his grandkids. Of course, by the time they hear it the girl you pushed out of the way of that bus will have her breast size raised by at least two cups and two dirty bombs will be added to the mix, but lying to your offspring is just something men have been doing for centuries. As always, utility belts and capes are completely optional.

Destroy something beautiful
You don't have to beat a blond guy within an inch of his life to accomplish this one. Rip a small tree out of the ground, pee on a flowerbed, hell, it doesn't matter, just fuck something up. If you have never done this, simply pick a random piece of your girlfriend's collection of pink things, break it quietly, hide it well, and then walk away a man.

Wake up not knowing where you are
When you wake up with no idea where in the hell you are or how you got there, you know last night must have kicked serious ass. Who gives a fuck if you lost your wallet and have "Balls" written across your forehead, it is a right of passage for Christ sakes. No man has ever been cool without at least one story involving a massive amount of liquor and 6 to 12 hours of lost time.

Kill your own dinner
Not with a gun, with your bare hands. It doesn't need to be a full grown bear, hell, strangle a fucking bunny if you have to, just get it done.

Give a sexually frustrated woman multiple orgasms
There are more of these women out there than anyone would like to believe. This is because most guys that girls want to sleep with (i.e. cock munchers who drive $50,000 cars and spend all their time in gyms) do not know how to please a woman. Guys like us do, because we aren't chumps, we're fucking pirate ninjas. Pirates don't go to the gym, we earn our muscles fighting at sea.

Try to fix something; totally break it in the process
Just because it is what we do best, and we do it well. Talking out of our asses I mean, not fixing stuff. A man just isn't a man unless he screws the hell out of some piece of equipment beyond repair at least once in his life. For added effect, add a little grunt after the smoke settles, Toolman style.

Create fire from sticks
I don't mean matches. I'm talking two twigs in the middle of the woods during a snowstorm with a woman screaming in your ear about how cold she is. Real men are made under pressure and there is no more stressful a scenario than the one I just described. Triumphing in such a situation means you have not only proven your primitive manhood, but you have also earned the right to sleep with said woman more than any other man she has been with before.

Outdrink your buddies
If you must spike beer with whiskey and cheat, do so. There is no better feeling in this world than to be the last man standing, staring down at your passed out friends through shit faced, glossed over eyes in triumph while talking mad shit and peeing in the nearest houseplant.

Get rocked by an older woman
I don't mean grandma old, 35-40 should suffice. Until this happens to you, you do not really know anything about sex, no matter what you think. Do this while you are still young and it will prepare you for the rest of the sexual experiences in your entire life. The next drunk sorority chick you shag rotten will scream like a Japanese schoolgirl at a Yanni concert.

Beat up a movie star
Punch him right in his fucking face. I have caught your trail, you little bitch. You can only run for so long. Soon, Tom, soon…

So how far are you into this? Me? I'm halfway there.

Comments (3) | Views: 119